the-fmf-blog

Christmas

Sat, 17 Dec 2011 11:17:36 +0100

By now, Dad should have received the mail-order cookies I sent him, as I do every year. I don't know, because he never calls or writes. During our last visit, I made him promise to find someone he can dictate notes to, so he can drop me a line now and then. He said "you have my word." So far, that is all I have...

Just Saw Dad

Sat, 05 Nov 2011 19:28:53 +0100

Saw Dad today. As always, a bittersweet visit. Pete thought that Dad looked good. I thought that he looked like he'd lost quite a bit of weight. His hair is thinner, almost gone, really. His face still looks the same, perhaps even a little younger than he actually is. I was pleased to see that he had a warm winter coat that looked fairly new. I swear, he'd never admit it himself, but he never can remember Pete's name. he calls him "Sir." in fact, we passed Dad's neighbor on the street, who I remember meeting last year, and Dad couldn't recall the guy's name... Someone he sees every day! :^(

We walked to a restaurant of his choosing. I kept a close eye on him, because, as he reiterates quite often, he has trouble with his equilibrium. He staggers, stooped over, with one hand in front of him and miraculously does not trip or collide with anyone walking towards us. He also still has double vision, and a debilitating tremor on his right side that prevents him from driving, writing or using a computer. How he manages to go about his day to day excursions (not to mention his nocturnal bar-hopping) is quite mind-boggling.

The restaurant appeared to be just a run-of-the-mill pizzeria, but the menu selections were quite extensive, with Greek and American selections among the Italian fare. Dad ordered a hot roast beef sandwich, I ordered a Greek salad and Pete got a chicken kebab salad. The portions were so huge that none of us were able to finish our food. At one point, Pete got up to use the restroom, and Dad asked me: "How's Lilly?" (My late mother.)

Um... Awkward.

"She passed away," I reminded him. "In 2006. A car accident. I told you... remember?"

Dad shook his head hopelessly, looking genuinely crushed.

"She would have been happy I found you," I assured him. "Enough time had gone by that she forgave you. She had ill will toward you..."

"Some things you never get over," he said.

Crap. Crap. Crap. Is this how it's gonna be every time I see him? Will I have to break the news to him each time??? sigh.

Dad also couldn't remember that my grandparents are dead, nor could he remember if his own parents were alive. We go over this every time. I understand it's the Alzheimer's, but... LOGICALLY, he knows that he's 71. Wouldn't he deduce the unlikeliness of his folks still being alive? And weirdly, he can remember that his brothers, Alex and Gerald, died. Also, Dad seemed surprised that I'm going to be 40 in January. He never fails to send me a birthday card in plenty of time for January 31, but he's otherwise lost in time.

Pete and I tried to press Dad about if he'd be happier living in an apartment instead of the group home where he is, but he said no, he's happy there. "Nobody bothers me," he said. I was surprised, being that my father is an extremely private, reclusive person and this is a house with shared bathrooms, etc. I also inquired as to whether he has access to health care. He said yes, then changed the subject.

It frustrates me that he doesn't take advantage of whatever benefits he has... He needs to get his eyes taken care of, and his Alzheimer's monitored!

He remembered Ernie and Virginia (his brother and sister-in-law) had been to visit him recently. But then he repeated his strange belief that his father had been shot, which never happened. He stated that he'd asked Ernie and Virginia about it, but that they wouldn't give him a direct answer. His imaginary reality is just as disturbing as the Alzheimer's.

We visited with Dad in his room. I asked if there was anything he needed, and he said no, then changed his mind and asked for new attachments for his electric razor. After our visit, he walked us out the front door. He and I got our customary picture taken in the yard. I told him I loved him and to take care of himself. He said he would take care of himself, but as usual, he didn't say he loved me back. Men.

The sadness whenever I leave my dad takes its time sinking in. It drips into my system like an IV, over a period of hours. Then, all of a sudden, it's THERE, this overwhelming sense of: "What can I do? How is this fair? What's going to happen next?"

As the we rode the green line down the tracks, back to our neighborhood, I could only hope that today wouldn't be the last time I see my father alive.

Dad... I'm Worried

Sun, 16 Oct 2011 09:46:27 +0100

I am glad that I'm going to see my dad net month. Wish it were sooner. Seems that he is on a downward spiral. Not so much with the Alzheimer's, as with his drinking and his lack of financial responsibility. His case manager thinks that by no means is he ready for a nursing home, because he is SO independent, but that he deserves a living situation better than the one he's in now. He ought to have his own apartment. Right now he lives in a group home where the residents of each floor share a common bathroom. He can't won't fill out paperwork, and... well, let's just say he's digging himself deeper into a ditch. Our Boston vacation will be more business than pleasure at this rate.

More Book Sales & Signings

Sun, 04 Sep 2011 14:14:08 +0100

I had a very good day yesterday at the Authors' Fair in Clayton, NY. I sold 4 copies of "Finding My Father." I had a lot ot of people (whether they bought books or not) tell me about their personal connection to Alzheimer's. It can be VERY emotional. No matter how long ago a person lost a loved one to the disease, when they talk about it, the pain is still fresh. I feel very honored that folks who don't even know me are willing to share their experiences with me that way.

Next up, I will be at the Lowville Library on Saturday, Sept 10, from 10AM-1PM. There'll be about five other authors there, including my friends Marcus Mastin and Joseph Sweet. Hope to see you there!

Reminders... Where to buy!

Sat, 20 Aug 2011 10:57:24 +0100

Just a reminder that "Finding My Father" can now be purchased locally at Kripalu Yoga Center and Green Thyme Health Food Store, right across the street from one another, Rte 11 in Adams Center. And coming soon, they'll be available at Yellow Barn Winery, Rte 66 between Watertown and Sackets Harbor!

November

Sun, 07 Aug 2011 16:10:38 +0100

I am going to see Dad in November! A long time to wait, for both of us, but it'll be worth it. Can't wait to experience Boston in the fall and spend time with my father!

Albany

Sat, 16 Jul 2011 12:19:41 +0100

My husband and I are on the road, in Albany, NY. First time I've been here. Parts of it reminds me of Dorchester... where Dad is. Miss him lots! What's sad is that the big Cordova family reunion is this weekend, and we are unable to attend. Just one of those "bad timing" things; the Albany trip was booked long before I learned about the reunion. Ah, well... one of these days, the stars will line up and we'll all be together!

Now You Can Get It!!

Tue, 12 Jul 2011 17:53:43 +0100

"Finding My Father: A Search For the Truth In the Face of Alzheimer's" is available in paperback at Amazon.com!! http://tinyurl.com/6en6vj6

Got It!

Thu, 07 Jul 2011 10:49:24 +0100

I got the proof of "Finding My Father" the other day... It looks awesome! I've never worked with CreateSpace before, so I'm not sure if it's available for YOU to order online yet. As soon as I know, I'll put links all over the place here and on my website,. www.hollygaskin.com. :^)

Still waiting.

Mon, 27 Jun 2011 12:35:26 +0100

I still haven't received my proof from CreateSpace. Once I got past the formatting difficulties, I thought I'd receive my copy quickly. It's been about a week. I'm getting NERVOUS! I have an event coming up in a couple of weeks, and I want the book to be READY by then! Cross your fingers for me!

No word from Dad lately. I will have to give his caseworker, Leslie, a call. I'll let you know what I find out!

Thanks for Caring,
Holly